He's back in

Have you ever experienced a feeling of complete and utter chaos to the point to which you didn't know who to turn to? AND, on top of that, try to bury it along with other issues to promote the image that you're strong and unbreakable? Have you wondered what is going on in other people's minds because you're just not prioritizing life's curve balls the way they are...

I mean, I haven't felt that way or anything...TOTALLY joking. Since August 29th, when I lost my grandfather, I've been on a road full of changes and realizations. I thought I was going crazy. I thought no one could understand the feelings running through my mind. I felt at such a loss that I couldn't even put into words what I was experiencing. I felt like all of my leaves had been ripped away...my happiness was depleted.

I wanted to shake people and wake them up to what's actually important. But, I knew I couldn't do that for the sake of keeping my job and my own sanity. And, finally...I let a calm take the place of all the anxiety, darkness, and fear. I let God in.

I'm not saying it wasn't a process of getting there, but at the end of the day, "in God I trust; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?" (Psalm 56:11)

I see asking for help as a weak point, but now I realize that it's not. I'm responsible for me, no one else. And "me" is important!

I went to a doctor to see if there was anything they could help with concerning my anxiety. Yeah there was! Medication! I don't want to be one of "those" people who have to take medicine for panic attacks or anxiety. So, I have the bottle...at home, in the medicine cabinet, collecting dust, sitting pretty. I don't NEED medicine, so I figured that I needed someone to finally "get" my points, my ramblings if you will.

I went to a counselor. It was very therapeutic. She's also a Christian which really helped me. I know now that I wasn't crazy. What a superb release THAT was!

The amount of balls this juggler had up in the air was just too overwhelming. There were family discussions going on, stressful situations in each area of my life, nothing seemed to be going "right".

Change is inevitable. I know that. I embrace that. But, at the same time, we are allowed to fall off of our pedestals of perfection, or pedestals that other's have built for us.

I've always said that work wouldn't be my "life" and I felt for the last 4 or 5 months, that it was my life. I am very grateful to have my job. But, again, I don't want it to consume me like it has done lately. And, by no means is this job my "dream" job. It's just not...it's turned into something I had no idea it would turn into! My priorities have gotten straightened out a bit now. Does that make me less of an employee? Heck to the no! I love seeing my customer happy. But more importantly, it means that I've let God back in...it means that from these last few weeks, He's grown me even when I didn't know that is what He was doing. God can be veddy veddy sneaky, but He truly does work all things out for the good.

I love Him and I'm glad He's back in.

Technology Pockettt

So, technology has evolved apparently and I have been eating dust. And rolling around in it and thumping dust boogers from my fingers.

Believe it or not though, I'm OKAY with not being completely nerdy or teched out. If my Granddaddy could get by on not having a computer all of his life, surely I can survive without knowing the difference between MP3 and MP4. Or, without having the newest phone gadget, application, bluetooth device, etc. I'm OKAY with living with what I already have at my fingertips.

Don't get me wrong...I love learning how to apply new processes, procedures, etc. But, I think we get so consumed with keeping up with the Job's (as in Steve Jobs) that we forget the small things. Heck, even kid toys are now uber sophisticated. What happened to just a normal Huggin's doll like I had in the 80's? Heck YEAH I know they're scarier than a monster hiding under your bed, but they were AWESOME to play with back then!

What about the toys of today? Some make an "attempt" at being "vintage" or glances at the earlier days, but seriously...Barbie’s best friend, Midge, was preggers and I'm sorry, but the baby bump was just all.too.scurry (that's right, scurryyy). Leave Barbie alone...

See how I avoided real computer technological advances discussion this whole time?

But, seriously. I want to make it in a world that seemed just fine like Granddaddy suggested...no t.v., time with one another, & reading the "good book".

I feel you

I feel that my Granddaddy should have an entire blog dedicated to him.
I feel that the obituary was too short of an entry and should have been a supplement to the entire newspaper.
I feel that he should have had all of the flags in the America's lowered half staff to mark the event of his death.
I feel that he was the closest to perfection in a human on earth. Yes he had his flaws, but to me, even those are beautifully crafted memories of the man I miss so much.
I feel that everyone should be able to get by on what he got by on...
I feel that everyone should be as organized with trinkets, doodads, and thingamajigs as he was with his.
I feel that the love that was shared between he and my Grandmother was one for the movies...
I feel her pain, but can only imagine the magnitude of her heartache with over 57 years of marriage together.
I feel it's not fair, it's not right, it's not just...it wasn't my time for him God...it wasn't my time for him to go. But I recall his words to me over my 30 years promising where he & others would go if they believed in You.
I believe in You...but, this absolutely stinks knowing I can't feel him anymore.

I long to touch his hands...those sweet, rough, precious, beautifully strong hands. I'm so grateful that I took the time I did to study them. I remember them...I remember you. I'm so glad my eyes are the same as your's.

I want to continue your legacy of being good changes in people's lives. I want people to smile if they recall me when I leave this world.

I remember you...I rejoice in the things you taught me, especially about God. Where would I be without your influence, your touch, your love?

You exemplify a good and faithful servant. You exemplify love. When I sit in the chair that you kneeled on every night to pray, I feel your love. I feel your convictions. I feel full. I feel the might you had in your prayers for others.

I feel blessed.

Change? Really, this time? Are you sure?

I'm sure this time I've got it right...I'm sure. With the beginning of the new year, we all tend to make promises to ourselves that we generally don't keep. I know I've done it...heck, I've even probably blogged about it before.

But, this time I'm sure. I have a plan of how to handle myself. I know what I like, what I don't like...and now, I know that it's okay. I know what music I enjoy, what people make me laugh, which person makes me wish I were in a different room...but, at the same time, joyful to be living life with the person regardless of their quirks, or mine.

I know what I have to change and that the new year doesn't usher that in simply because it's different. I know that though it's hard to just walk away from some things, that it's better in the end. I know that just because a prayer isn't answered the way I want it, doesn't mean it isn't simply a different answer.

Sometimes I get nervous when I see an open door...a glimpse of greatness. I realized recently that sometimes that open door isn't even the route you prayed for, so why get the good ol' panties in a wad? I'm sure now...

Sometimes I think I know what I want in certain areas of my life...but when I go back to "review" the accomplishments, I go down a different path. I know who I have to answer to at the end though. I'm sure now...

I know that materialism is something I struggle against. I know that overconsumption is more than an issue; it's pretty much a disease. But, it can be cured. And, again not just because it's a new year, but because the question has to be posed to one's self. Why? I'm sure now...

I know that just because my mother irritates me, that she's still my mama. She did more than give birth to me. She's an angel...a different one, but one just the same that hasn't yet discovered her wings. "Last night I saw you in my dreams. Now, I can't wait to go to sleep. Last night I saw you in my dreams. Now, I can't wait to go to sleep." I see these people in my life who've yet to discover their nobleness. I pray it's unveiled while I can still enjoy it. I'm sure now...


Proactiveness is good...mmm kay? I need more of it starting now. I know what to do, how to do it, who can help me get there, and who can deter me. I'm sure now...

I know who I am. Child of God.