This is the true story of my morning.
I got up at 7 a.m. (true story) so that I could get to my actual office AT work by 8 because I knew I was behind on a lot of follow up items.
Earlier in the early hours, I heard Jason get up and go watch t.v. I also observed that Trip was crying in his cage. This did not alarm me because
a.) he loves Jason more than his food which he literally eats within seconds
b.) he loves Jason more than smelling of Dixie (and my) butt
c.) SURELY Jason would pay attention to his beloved lab and
d.) my sleep was super good and I was having a really good dream about James McAvoy (okay not really, but wishful thinking may make this happen for me…sorry Jason)
Once I get up, I selflessly, like a good doggy mother, disregard my needs (great urge to urinate, brush my teeth, and clean the crust from my lazy eyes) and go take care of Dixie and Trip. I also subconsciously think that this is great practice for when I’m a mother to a human creation. I pat myself on the back lots of mornings for this selfless act of pure love. This is right before I curse at Trip for irritating me to no end.
I open his cage and TA DAAAAAAAAAAA…he suddenly ejects himself from the cage as if he were Pamela Anderson on Baywatch shaking her head in figure 8-type movements to rid of herself of ocean water. Except…it.wasn’t.ocean.water. IT was PEE! Pee, pee, pee, peeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee all OVER the place. There’s PEE EVERYWHERE (see Bob Saget in Dumb and Dumberer for his version btw).
I quickly guide him to the front door to rid myself of this peeing piece of crap monster dog. How DARE I sacrifice my morning routine for you dog!
Have I mentioned I’m naked? Because I am. Well, I am. And somehow I forget this and open the front door to let him run free. He continues Pamela Anderson’ing from his cage to the front door and tracks the “stuff” on the carpet.
I realize I’m naked at some point. And I run to go throw clothes on quickly and efficiently. This action item consisted of me putting on a bathing suit cover-up, that isn’t very “covery”.
Pulling Trip’s cage out is a task in itself and he runs in once I open the front door and shakes again. Now, I’m ½ dressed and drenched in dog pee. Fun times.
Once the cage is in the back yard, I turn the hose pipe switch from sprinkler mode. Then, the cold water shoots out quickly into my eyeballs, nose, and mouth. This gets better I promise. I bend over to begin washing out the cage and realize that my cover-up is tucked into something…into an area…that’s all I’m saying. I’m just thankful my wonderful neighbor, Mr. Johnny, wasn’t outside. Or maybe he was and just knew not to scream, “CRYSTAL, YOUR BATHING SUIT COVER-UP IS TUCKED INTO YOUR CHEEKS!”
I gave Trip a shower and cursed him some more, then I showered (no, not with him). I’m clean now. And, I’ve completed most of my “to do” items. Does this mean I’m ready for motherhood? Wait, I’m naked again…
JUST KIDDING
